At Ease, Soldier
by Miranda le Ginger
Summary: Claire Shepard remembers snippets of the woman who turned her life upside down. It's time for the good soldier to have a well-earned rest. Warning for character death(s). F/F pairing


Disclaimer: Bioware and EA are the true creators of Mass Effect. Without them, gaming would be different today. I own neither the world nor the characters I have portrayed.

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"_Heroes get remembered, but legends never die."-Babe Ruth_

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_Dark chocolate, shining with mirth and warmth in reckless abandon, a smile dancing brightly beneath; a thousand splendid suns. Smooth, tan skin untouched by blemish or imperfection glowed dully; putty beneath hands calloused from years of hard, unyielding labor. Soft chuckles permeated throughout the living space. Reflections of happiness and contentment glared back from against the aquarium situated in the corner. Love…..so foreign and yet…so fulfilling. Love…_

A shuddering cough trickled out of a bruised mouth, accompanied by red, viscous liquid. A bloody spatter stained the ruined Alliance uniform, painting the once vivid symbol of faith and strength with the truth of war; of sacrifice. Commander Claire Shepard lay strung out amidst a hefty pile of rubble; the heavy lifeblood of the universe crushing what remained of her. Dark grey eyes, normally full of vitality and intelligence remained closed as the great soldier waited for death. Death was so close…and most assured.

_"That tickles, Claire!" The admonishment held no heat; neither did swirling amber. A blinding white smile accentuated the look Ash was currently sporting. Claire felt her own mouth lilt into a teasing smirk, curling on the end; debonair. "Why, Chief Williams, I did not know you possessed such a…weakness. What kind of soldier would I be if I did not exploit it?" Ash pouted slightly, eyes twinkling brighter than any star ever could. "You'd be a good Commander, that's what." A dark eyebrow, poised as the tigers that used to roam freely on Earth, jutted heavenward. "Playing the injured subordinate, eh? Well, we will just see about that." Laughter echoed around the room for an hour afterward._

Muscles turned to gelatinous goo, uncooperative and useless; two things Shepard had never felt, at least not since her first death. But, this time, it seemed time had run out for the hero of the galaxy. The Grim Reaper of legend would not be cheated out of a soul yet again….

_A somber silence filtered through the Normandy, silent and yet felt by every member aboard the craft. A woman leaned against the fiberglass pane, forehead cool against the cold surface, matching the storm inside her heart. Dark hair, finally freed from its usual confines, fell in dark strands, an Alliance uniform pockmarked with burns and rends a backdrop of war. The commandeer, at least in position, of the Normandy tentatively walked forward. A warm hand, a stark contrast to the unrelenting cold, burned through the layer of Alliance seemingly melded to Ashley's back. "Ash…" The words tasted like a pile of ashes in Claire's mouth. Her lover remained mute, back only just relaxing at the feel of her commander. The two women, lost in their grief, lent their support to the other. For one woman was chosen from a sacrifice of two; saved, and the other was the executioner. _

Not long now…Claire could feel her last dredges of life slowly peeling away, like old skin after a sunburn. But instead of fresh pink underneath, all that would be left was a corpse. Some hero….of course she would die from the mission she had embarked on for months. The mission that simultaneously gave, and took away, the people that had grown dear to her. Kaidan, Thane, Anderson…..they were among the few that had been cruelly snatched out of her grasp, no matter how hard she chanted. Her brother, John, killed along with his entire squadron a mere two months before the conclusion of the war. Her last family….cold in the ground.

_ "Ash…" Claire could focus only on the woman who stood before her, different and yet the same as she had been six months ago, before everything had gone to hell and she had taken her last breath…until Cerberus. Storm-tossed grey latched onto the dark firewater; desperation hangs around the two women like a cloud. Neither knows who moves first after a long boll Claire knows is she has an armful of Ashley, her soldier, latching onto her like she would die without her. Shepard had; she knew the feeling intimately. After a lifetime, Ash pulled back. Her eyes cleared, but the haunted look never quite went away. That gaze seared straight through the newly rebuilt Commander. Before landing straight on the one symbol Claire just knew she would not like. Even so, Claire was unprepared for the sheer ferocity the Cerberus marking would instill in her lover. "You….with Cerberus…together?! The vitriol in the once loving tone burned and froze all at the same time. Betrayal clung to the husky voice, like the resentment and grudge that would be held over the good Shepard's head for what felt like ages. For the first time, Claire wished to be dead._

A wet chuckle wheezed passed lips blackened and torn. Even to her own ears, or what was left anyway, Claire could hear the falsity lurking between each laugh. So fake…so _hopeless_. Claire had done the seemingly impossible, stopping the Reapers and saving the galaxy. She was a hero, a bloody Paragon. This, a dying woman beneath a pile of rubble, a name that would eventually fade from the history holograms, was all that would remain. Some hero, huh? What a legacy….what a thing to die for. _Ash_…

_"Udina!" Claire roared in fury, grey narrowed to slits as she stared down at the spineless man who called himself a councilor. "Your plans…are over. You will hand yourself over to the Alliance and step down, once and for all." Her voice brooked no argument. The other members of the Council looked on, confused and unsure. Councilor Tevos warily looked between the two opposing forces. "Shepard, please…listen to reason! Why would Udina do something like that? Where is the proof?" Shepard looked to the asari, trying to reason despite her growing impatience. "Will you just listen to me? You already disregarded me once; don't make the same mistake twice." Ashley stepped forward. Shepard had tried, unsuccessfully, to keep her eyes off her former lover, the woman who still roamed her dreams and was still crushing her heart. "Stand down Shepard! Point your gun away, now! Do not make me shoot you…" The Commander searched once familiar eyes, seeing nothing but a stranger and a cold, unhospitable place. "Ash…" The woman, a Spectre now, shook her head violently. "No! You do not reserve the right to call me that. Not anymore." Claire pulled off her helmet, flinging it to the side. It bounced off, a piece chipping away like the relationship reflecting off the cracked visor. "Dammit Ash! Don't do this! Udina is not who you think he is! He has to be brought to justice! Believe me!" Obsidian framed a tan face, disbelief and residual anger clouding the other Spectre's eyes. "And who gave this decree, hmmm? Your good pal Cerberus? The people you once loathed as much as I? We used to talk about them in disgust aboard the Normandy! You and I…." The woman averted her gaze for a moment, pain swiftly flashing before fading as she turned back. "No…I cannot do as you say. First and foremost I am an Alliance solider, and this man is to be protected by us soldiers. I will not…can…not…abandon him. Not even for you…"_

Live, you said. Live and enjoy life following the war. Words as empty and hollow as her chest now, bereft of a heart. There was no living, not for her. How could you live when all that you held dear was ripped away by the hand of God…or a well-placed gunshot.

_Shepard had never felt so helpless in her life. Not when she was forced to save either the woman she loved or a dear comrade on Virmire, choosing the option she had the slightest chance to live with. Not when she had taken her first glimpse of her new body after Miranda and Cerberus had left their mark on her, literally. Not even when she got the message that her only brother, her last surviving family member, had been blown to bits by the enemy. That numbness that settled so deeply in the pit of her stomach was nothing to this. This lay in her bones, her very soul. She had not lowered her gun much, but she could not bring herself to shoot Ashley. How could she? Not Ash; not her. Never her. "Ash, stop this! Cerberus operatives are only minutes away as we speak. They will apprehend Udina, whether it is liked or not. Don't throw your life away! Don't throw _us _away!" Uncertainty thawed the former cold edge to her face. Shepard continued, feeling hope blossoming in her chest. She took a step forward. "Remember the time we spent together, Ash. Remember us. We were so happy, baby. When I was with you, I felt like I could take on the world. I have missed you so, so fucking much. Saving the world means nothing if you are not there by my side. I hate what we've become. Please, if you love me, please stop. Please….come back." The haze of Cerberus-hating dissipated, leaving only Ashley Williams, the woman hurting, behind. Her hand lowered, the gun following. "Shepard…I'm sor-" A crack rent the air like a pack of screaming Valkyrie's from the stories Mrs. Shepard read to her daughter as a babe. All Claire saw was surprise on her love's face, followed by pain and finally, understanding. As her lithe body slid to the floor, all Claire could do was yell out one word, torn from her lungs as was her sanity. "NOOOOOO!"_

Heh…with the last breath you contained in your body, you told me you loved me. That you always had, from the moment your eyes landed on me in my Alliance issued gear, saving you from Eden Prime with Kaidan by my side. It seems so long ago now, walking and fighting with you both by my side. Now you are with Lieutenant Alenko. I bet you two are living it up, talking with other fallen comrades about the "good ol' days" and the war that was officially ended. I wonder if you are looking down at me, right now as I lay here, reminiscing over things long paved way for me. My destiny has nearly reached its zenith; my legacy "cemented." Will Kaidan be mad at me, I wonder? For choosing you over him? For saving a life whilst snuffing his? Somehow, I doubt he holds any resentment. For the greater good, he always said. The greater good…does it even exist anymore? Such words, insignificant and worthless on their own but, when given their own merit, can mean so much more. Will you be there, Ash? Will you be waiting?

_Fuck…fuck fuck fuck FUCK! Claire Shepard raced forward, forgetting Udina and everyone else. The mission be damned, the entire galaxy could explode around her ears for all she cared. She never registered a single shot, striking the murderer in his chest. The councilor fell with merely a mumble, tainting the ground with his evil. The Commander had eyes only for the woman in her arms. Blood poured profusely from the wound. A hold, small and yet so incredibly deadly, lay a hairsbreadth from her beating heart. So small, and yet the wound was enough to end a life. Claire stared into fathomless hues, tinged with pain and guilt. And regret. "C-Cla-ire…..I'm so…sor-ry….should ha-ve been there, f-fo-r you." Shepard shook her head, dark hair framing her face but not quite shielding her anguish. "Shhhh, Ash, don't talk. Save your energy…" Claire quickly turned to Garrus, quietly watching the scene unfold. "Garrus, quick! Phone the Normandy; get them to send help!" The soon-to-be hero looked back down, trying to remain calm. "See, Ash? Help is on the way. Hold on baby….hold on." A hand, weak as a newborn babe fell down to her own, cradling it so gently as to nearly be unfelt. "No, Claire….I-this is my l-last stand." Shepard's mind refused to process the damning statement, not wanting to even compute the alternative. She would rather Ash hate her for the rest of their existence if it meant she was still alive. Knowing that her love was dying…"No! No, you cannot die! I won't let you!" Ashley smiled tremulously. "Sometimes…it is not u-up to you. Y-you can't always be….the hero…." Her eyes seemed to lighten, an ethereal light pouring outwards. "She-Shepard….I see him! I see K-Kaiden! He is there….w-with your parents, and John….! And…and…everyone….I see them all…" Tears streamed down Claire's face, dampening the already soaked uniform underneath her. Her fingers clutched the front of Ashley's uniform in a death grip. "They are here for me, Claire. It is time." "Ash…you can't leave me….please…don't leave me behind." The most beautifully tragic smile to ever grace Ashley's lips beamed at her with a gentle tenderness. "That's where you are wrong, silly. I will always be with you, in your heart."_

Normally thinking of you would cause a torrent of tears to flow; a waterfall of endless pain. But, I just don't have energy left in me….I can feel the end is near, feel it in my very soul. I can no longer feel my toes; my legs. My fingers will not obey even the simplest of commands. I stopped trying long before. I know you wanted me to live, Ash. But, how is that even possible, when you are no longer able to? No, I died when you left this world, and me, behind. I got more chances than most people ever get; I got a second chance. A chance to make things right, and make sure nobody else has to suffer. You and I…we suffered more than any human ever should. We and all of our friends, and comrades. My name should not be the sole one in remembrance. It was we all who dismantled the bleak statistics. It was the Kaidens, the Anndersons, and the Ashleys of the world. The soldiers who risked their lives to make the galaxy a little safer, the men, women and alien that stepped foot on a ship, never knowing when the proverbial bullet would come. No, I am just a glorified poster girl. It was us all who saved the world. And I'm damn proud. So, so very proud…

_Ashley sighed in Shepard's arms. It was a sigh of leaving all your worries behind; of being home after far too long away. It was a sigh of finally letting go. Desperately, Claire tightened her hold on her lover, near crazed with her anguish. "Ash…Ash…." The beautiful woman smiled again at her, touching her cheek tenderly. "I know you'll win this, Shepard. You always were a hero. You have always been bigger than this. Promise me something." Claire stared brokenly into the eyes she had seen every night for months, even when she was "dead." "Anything." The whisper was fueled with heartache. "Live. Live after you defeat the Reapers and become the hero you were always destined to be. Don't mourn me; live." Claire choked on a sob, her heart cracking into a million shards in her chest, unseen but clearly felt. "I…I promise." "Good. I love you, Claire. I love you…" Claire stole one last glance of Ashely's face as whiskey eyes slid closed. "I love you too, baby. I love you so very much…" Ashley's body went limp as the last syllable slid from parched lips. "Ash?" A few moments ticked by. A dark head hung low; grieved. "Ash…." If grief had a taste, Shepard would equate it to broken dreams and a sea of loneliness, as far as the eye can see._

These last months have been utter hell. Forgive me Ash, but…I am relieved. Relieved that I have unwittingly broken your promise. You'll be so disappointed…but…I cannot linger here. The rest will be fine here, without me. My presence is no longer needed, nor my help. For the galaxy to truly rebuild, they need to forget. Forget the pain, forget the agony. Forget the face of a soldier just trying to do the right thing. A woman, who wanted to make her parents proud.

Ash…I can see you! I can feel your presence surrounding me, like the warmth of a summer day or flowers blooming in the spring. And…and Kaidan! Oh, John, too! Mom and Pop! The whole gang is here, waiting for me….for the first time in many moons, I feel…free. No longer am I chained to my fate, or to the Alliance, or…anyone. For once. I am just Claire Shepard. As I shudder my last breath, a true smile touches my face for the last time. I shed the title of commander and hero as I float forward, embraced by my friends and family. "Welcome home, Claire." Warm chocolate winks at me. I am _home_.

_Later, a search team would chance upon the rubble. The surviving members of the Normandy would dig tirelessly, searching for their commander. They would find her with a smile upon her lips. They knew…she was home_.

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